Bad Catholics, Unite!

I’m bad at being Catholic.

Did you know that I didn’t know artificial contraception was a no-no in the eyes of the Church until I got to college?  Or that it would be more likely for a priest to get married before a woman could become a priest, and even that is highly unlikely?  I didn’t know the Eucharist was the actual body and blood of Christ.  I didn’t know people cared enough about Mary to consecrate their entire lives to her.  I didn’t know anything about the Catholic memorabilia… the medals, the scapulars (I still don’t know what the heck a scapular is for), those bead bracelet things with pictures of the sacred heart or Mary or (insert favorite saint here) on them.  I couldn’t tell you what my patron saint (Cecilia) actually accomplished in her life other than the fact that she is the patron saint of musicians.  I didn’t know daily Mass was something for everyone until college.  I didn’t know being a nun was even an option for me because I wasn’t 80-years-old yet.  I didn’t know that I had to go to confession before Mass… that it was an obligation.  I didn’t know there was such things as holy days of obligation.

I was a really bad Catholic.  And I still am.

Even after studying theology for 4 years… I still feel completely lost.  I still don’t understand my Catholic faith, and what it means.  The only parts of my faith that I know and understand (aside from a new understanding of the Eucharist, which I now agree with after spending some serious time asking questions about why God was asking me to be a cannibal [God wasn’t]) from my childhood are that I was created by God, I am loved by God, and I am on a mission from God (much like the Blues Brothers, minus the fedora).

I have only gone to confession before Mass twice in my life.  I will probably be using artificial birth control when I get married (and if you think a piece of rubber is going to stop a baby from getting born when God wants that baby born… you are dumb, I’m just sayin).  I cling to the hope that one day, a woman will be allowed to be a priest, and a priest will be allowed to be married. I think a 50% divorce rate and little white chapels in Vegas are a bigger insult to the institution of marriage than sexual orientation.  It is highly doubtful that I would ever consecrate myself to Mary.  I don’t fall asleep at Mass anymore, but I still don’t always pay attention.  My relationship with God will always be important to me… even when I am beyond rock bottom and am not even sure if God exists at all. I hope I will always be crazy enough to think that I can make a difference in this broken world in which we live… and that when I die, I will leave it in better shape than when I found it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I may bitch and moan about the teachings of the Church sometimes, I may not agree with everything, I may not have a collection of scapulars and statues to adorn my house with… but I love my Catholic faith.  I may not understand it… but I love it… and really, when its really love, how can you explain it?  I know there is a place for me in the Church.  I know God loves me just the way I am.  And at my confirmation as a sophomore in high school, I was fully aware of the commitment I was making.  I’m in it for the long haul.  I will wrestle with these teachings until I agree with them, and if I don’t ever agree with them, I will not stop wrestling with them.  I believe that God loves me… that God will not send me to hell because I didn’t go to confession before receiving the Eucharist.  I believe that God loves you, too, and that is why I love you.

I believe God just wants us to be with him.  I think God just wants to see us keep swimming towards him.  And if I’m wrong… if God really cares that much about doing everything by the book and being perfect… then I’m screwed.  But I don’t think I’m screwed.

So anyway.  To all my fellow bad Catholics out there… hollaa.  May you rest easy tonight knowing that I don’t think you’re all that bad, because I don’t think I’m all that bad.  Besides, you and I were made in the image and likeness of God, and God isn’t bad.  So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

All My Single Men..

The Dating Game

Image via Wikipedia

…Where are you, and why aren’t you at church? Seriously. I’m tired of looking around, finding a cute Catholic man at Mass, only to see a ring on his left finger. What the heck.

Furthermore, if you do not have a ring on your left hand, why the stink aren’t you doing something about it? I am cute, sweet, hilarious, and have way too much awesome for my own good. I am a catch.  Stop being stupid and start asking me out on dates.  Put on your big boy pants and do it.  

It is really frustrating to be single in the suburbs.  Especially when religion is a deal breaker.  Especially especially when the suburbs are full of young families, and attractive men at church are more than likely a giant mirage because they’re all taken already.  Especially especially especially when said attractive men at church are walking along so you smile and bat your eyes and then they start yappin at their 3-year-old to stop running down the hallway. Especially especially especially especially when they look super cute and then you realize they are in the seminary/already a priest.  Swing and a miss.

Pardon the fact that I am about to sound like a closed-minded bigot… but I want a Catholic man. I want someone to share that important part of myself with. I don’t want some frou-frou “kind of” Christian who goes to church when life sucks. I want someone who might be a little afraid to ask me out because he knows God is my Father, and if he read any part of the Old Testament, he’ll know how smitey God gets when God is pissed… but he’ll still have the cojones to take some action because God never appreciated laziness.   I want someone who will treat me like the princess I am (because darnit, even my name means “God’s Princess,” not that that has developed into some kind of princess complex or anything.. ahem..).  I want someone who will go out and change the world with me, and who will make any work God’s work, whether it’s bagging groceries or doing ministry work.  And if you are at church at least once a week… if not more… on your own accord, I’m pretty sure that that shouldn’t be a problem for you.

I mean come ON, man.  You might not be in the bar for some liquid courage, but you have the freakin BLOOD OF CHRIST in you. So what the heck are you doing cowering in your stupid church pew. Get the heck out and say hi.  You don’t even need to ask me out in the first 5 minutes. Just say “Hey. My guardian angel kept nudging me to say hi because he thinks your guardian angel is cute.” I will laugh, and I will be putty in your hands.

And okay. Lets say we aren’t at Mass. Say we are volunteering/at a discussion group/at a Bible study/at adoration/walking around aimlessly searching for our soulmates.  Say the blood-o-Christ is not coursing through your veins. Womp-womp. Man up. God is still present. And God is still a bigger confidence boost than booze.  And seriously… I am a church-going, God-loving young lady.  I am not going to embarass you if I’m not interested.  I know how smitey God can get when God is pissed.  I will treat you like the child of God you are.  Unless you are overtly creepy and make my “psycho man senses” tingle, I will not blatantly ignore you.

So DO IT. Just ask me out already. No more thinking. Just do. No more “waiting on God’s will.” You’ll be waiting forever you pansy.

Fortune favors the bold. The early bird gets the worm. Shit or get off the pot.  Just Do it. DO IT.