All My Single Men..

The Dating Game

Image via Wikipedia

…Where are you, and why aren’t you at church? Seriously. I’m tired of looking around, finding a cute Catholic man at Mass, only to see a ring on his left finger. What the heck.

Furthermore, if you do not have a ring on your left hand, why the stink aren’t you doing something about it? I am cute, sweet, hilarious, and have way too much awesome for my own good. I am a catch.  Stop being stupid and start asking me out on dates.  Put on your big boy pants and do it.  

It is really frustrating to be single in the suburbs.  Especially when religion is a deal breaker.  Especially especially when the suburbs are full of young families, and attractive men at church are more than likely a giant mirage because they’re all taken already.  Especially especially especially when said attractive men at church are walking along so you smile and bat your eyes and then they start yappin at their 3-year-old to stop running down the hallway. Especially especially especially especially when they look super cute and then you realize they are in the seminary/already a priest.  Swing and a miss.

Pardon the fact that I am about to sound like a closed-minded bigot… but I want a Catholic man. I want someone to share that important part of myself with. I don’t want some frou-frou “kind of” Christian who goes to church when life sucks. I want someone who might be a little afraid to ask me out because he knows God is my Father, and if he read any part of the Old Testament, he’ll know how smitey God gets when God is pissed… but he’ll still have the cojones to take some action because God never appreciated laziness.   I want someone who will treat me like the princess I am (because darnit, even my name means “God’s Princess,” not that that has developed into some kind of princess complex or anything.. ahem..).  I want someone who will go out and change the world with me, and who will make any work God’s work, whether it’s bagging groceries or doing ministry work.  And if you are at church at least once a week… if not more… on your own accord, I’m pretty sure that that shouldn’t be a problem for you.

I mean come ON, man.  You might not be in the bar for some liquid courage, but you have the freakin BLOOD OF CHRIST in you. So what the heck are you doing cowering in your stupid church pew. Get the heck out and say hi.  You don’t even need to ask me out in the first 5 minutes. Just say “Hey. My guardian angel kept nudging me to say hi because he thinks your guardian angel is cute.” I will laugh, and I will be putty in your hands.

And okay. Lets say we aren’t at Mass. Say we are volunteering/at a discussion group/at a Bible study/at adoration/walking around aimlessly searching for our soulmates.  Say the blood-o-Christ is not coursing through your veins. Womp-womp. Man up. God is still present. And God is still a bigger confidence boost than booze.  And seriously… I am a church-going, God-loving young lady.  I am not going to embarass you if I’m not interested.  I know how smitey God can get when God is pissed.  I will treat you like the child of God you are.  Unless you are overtly creepy and make my “psycho man senses” tingle, I will not blatantly ignore you.

So DO IT. Just ask me out already. No more thinking. Just do. No more “waiting on God’s will.” You’ll be waiting forever you pansy.

Fortune favors the bold. The early bird gets the worm. Shit or get off the pot.  Just Do it. DO IT.


One thought on “All My Single Men..

  1. damn straight. who needs liquid courage when we have the blood of christ? amazing imagery. sorry that us men are so frustrating, we really do need to man up.

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